The Know-It-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by A. J. Jacobs

Author:A. J. Jacobs [Jacobs, A. J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, pdf
Tags: Autobiography, Jacobs, Angels & Spirit Guides, Editors, Books & Reading, United States - Intellectual life - 20th century., Learning and scholarship - United States - History, Body, Learning and scholarship, Journalists, United States - Intellectual life - 20th century, Mind & Spirit, A. J, Values & Virtues, Social Issues, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Publishers, 1968-, Juvenile Fiction, Biography: General, United States, Personal Memoirs, A. J., United States - Intellectual life - 21st century, Learning and scholarship., History, United States - Intellectual life - 21st century., Reference, General, Literary Criticism, Encyclopedias, Biography & Autobiography, Education, Religious, Biography
ISBN: 9780743250603
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2004-09-21T04:00:00+00:00

mammals

Elephant copulation lasts twenty seconds. That should make a lot of men feel better.

Mann, Horace

In his final speech, the educational reformer told students: "Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity." Good wisdom. Great wisdom even. I have to remember that.

manure

The Britannica isn't a Farrelly brothers movie, but it does have more than its fair share of scatology. And thank God for that, because I desperately needed to expand my knowledge of waste products.

You see, when I married Julie, I became uncle to her brothers' kids--four adorable, squeaky-voiced children under ten. Not having much experience with the Nickelodeon crowd, I initially had some trouble connecting with them. But then I hit upon a secret. Two words, to be exact. My entire relationship with my nieces and nephew was forged with the phrase "monkey poop." For five years, I have worked this phrase into every conversation I have with them.

"What would you like for your birthday?" I'll ask Andrea, age seven.

"Gameboy pinball!" she says.

"Well, I was thinking of getting you fifty-seven pounds of monkey poop. Would that be okay?"

"Nooo!!!" she'll scream, running away. "No monkey poop!"

My monkey poop joke has been my biggest hit, my equivalent of Bill Cosby's dentist routine. I think my nieces and nephew were just happy to have found an adult who is less mature than they are. And yet, after five years, even something so brilliant as monkey poop began losing its freshness. I needed some new material. The encyclopedia was there to help.

One Sunday, all the kids and their parents made one of their day trips to the city, and used our apartment as headquarters.

"What's for lunch?" I ask Natalia, age nine.

"I dunno," she says.

"You think Aunt Julie will be serving whale poop?"

"Whale poop?" she asks.

"Yeah, whale poop is delicious."

"Uh-huh."

"Seriously, a lot of people do eat whale poop."

"Yeah, right."

"You don't believe me?" I take out volume A, and turn to ambergris. I show Natalia the definition: a foul-smelling substance found in the intestines of whales that, when dry, takes on a sweet aroma, and is used in spices and perfumes. She is duly impressed. She runs into the kitchen.

"I'd like some whale poop, please! On French bread!"

Who said the Britannica doesn't have practical knowledge? This is killer material. Next, I impress my nieces and nephew with stories about fossilized dinosaur poop (it's called coprolite). I segue into the best method for storing manure (stack it, so that it doesn't leach nitrogen), which wasn't quite as big a hit. But I redeem myself with the casebearing beetle. When it's threatened, it pulls its legs inward and disguises itself as caterpillar droppings.

"Everybody, pretend to be caterpillar poop!" I shout.

We all drop to the floor and pull in our arms and legs.

"Hey, are you by any chance caterpillar poop?" I ask Natalia.

"No, it's me! Natalia! Fooled you."

Julie's sister-in-law Lisa walks into the room to see the five of us on the floor in little balls.

"What's going on here?" she asks.

"Shhh," says her daughter, Allison, age five.

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